This may lack cohesion but forgive me. Let's blame it on writing in an unfiltered stream of consciousness. Here goes...
I think women, particularly of my generation, stay in situations (be it relationships, careers, positions...as in posturing) well beyond the intended season because we refuse to admit failure. I cringed just typing the letters. But that's what it is. Or is it? Recognizing that constantly being in a position of being on my knees begging to be loved, cherished, protected, validated and assured that you will never abandon me...hoping against hope that your promise of forever and eternity isn't as breezy as my house with all the windows up. I want to be able to trust you. I'm not referring to trusting that you won't make financially irresponsible decisions or even trust that you won't renig on your vow of fidelity. Can I trust you with me? The soft malleable parts?
I refuse to fail, so I stay, knowing damn well I should leave. Constrained by fear. Is that any way to live? paralyzed by not knowing settling for the familiar abuse.
I know what I want to say but I choose ambiguity...as half-assed as my attempt is.
We all know what we want. Who hasn't made a list of must-haves for their prospective suitors. Knowing and feeling deserved are two different things.
You must make room for what you desire and deserve. Think of it as spring cleaning. Rid your space of the clutter. Let a little light in. See! Isn't your home beautiful? More spacious than you thought it was. Who wouldn't want to come in and get cozy? Especially since you've made room for them.
Women are too hopeful. We believe when a man dedicates a song to us it speaks to his true intentions. We believe that his flowery words are more than what them are...flowers that root and blossom, are pretty to look at for a while until they wither and die. Tell me that you are not perfect. Show me your faults, your hurts and insecurities. And still be masculine enough to hold me and comfort me in the midst of my own. Truth is you love me enough to try not to hurt me but in your beautiful humanness you may. In the even that you do you can humble yourself and ask for forgiveness.
Ok, I'm frustrating myself by speaking in shadows. Damn it, just consider me! Yes, I have daddy issues like every other women born in the decade of disco. I need ,desperately, to know that I can be vulnerable with you and be able to trust you with it. Trust that you won't manipulate it for selfish gain? trust that you won't color me weak. Do we need to go thru trust exercises? I need to be able to trust that you won't bounce at the first sighting of my opinion differing from yours.
This should be so effing basic. Can i trust you? Not talking about love. Let that be the third rung of this ladder. Can I trust you with who I am at the core of my being? Will you respect me enough to consider me before yourself? Now we can get into the kind of love that we have weighed down so many stars with wishes for...unconditional love. Can you love me in the manner described in I Corinthians 13? C'mon don't say you can when you know you can't. And don't give me that BS of "I don't know". You know yourself and you know to what measure you can be unselfish. So keep it really real. Can you, by asking me to walk along side you for the rest of this life, give me the kind of love that would consider my wants, needs and desires before your own...especially if your wants, needs and desires will cause harm, hurt or harassment to my emotional physical mental or spiritual peace? Can you assure that your "love" will not be belligerent? Can you assure me that your love will be compassionate?
I don't know. The older I get the more I feel like love, though integral, is not central to the longevity of a relationship. Allow me to qualify that statement before you write me off as crazy and start questioning whether or not I love my own husband. Of course I do. That said, loving him is not the sole basis for choosing to respect and consider him in my decision making. Is it important, for me, to know that he loves me? Duh! It is more important to know that I can trust him with the parts of me that are so delicate that few people (one person outside of him) even know exist.
Anyway! I'm done rambling....literally. If you took the time to read it...great. if you were able to make sense of it and it actually resonated with you...fabulous!
Love!
*orginally posted 5/24/08
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