I wrote this after reading something my best friend in the world wrote few days ago. The following started as personal reflection inspired by her thoughts. I re-read it several times and decided to share it. So here it is. Enjoy...as always, I welcome your comments, questions, thoughts...whatever.
My 20s were full of things people experience throughout their lifetime...I guess you could call it the beauty of life...stormy days intermittent sunshine...I'll explain.
I have grown as a wife, as a mother...as a woman. Having grown a little more comfortable in my womanhood, kinda like the perfect shoes you were determined to squeeze your foot into because they were cheap and went perfectly with your favorite outfit, I would say that I have grownn wiser as I approach my 30s.
If I have learned anything, I have learned:
1) to accept that seasons are meant to change, even if/when we don't want them to. It's up to us to see the beauty in it.
2) compromise, consideration, communication (conversation) and common ground are allies to a successful marriage.
3) vulnerability is okay
4) it's easier to walk away. it takes courage to dig in your heels to heal, mend, apologize, love (unconditionally) when "like" is a distant stranger.
5) sometimes even a handful of friends are too many. don't be afraid to let people go (see 1)...roots are more important than leaves (though they have a purpose) to the longevity of the tree
6) treasure your children. respect them. listen to them. there's wisdom in them. if you listen even when they're not speaking they will clue you in on what they need from you as a parent.
7) respect your spouse as an individual
8) take time for yourself--when I was 20 no one had to tell me it was okay to make myself priority 1. Now, at 29, me time is a must in order to function fully as wifey and mommy (and any other hat that gets pushed my way)
9) nourish relationships...every Oprah needs a Gayle
10) never stop learning...you will NEVER know it ALL
(The aforementioned are not listed in any particular order of importance)
What I wish someone woulda prepared me for; isn't it obvious? I'm beyond wishing for my mother's resurrection. I wish I'd asked more questions about motherhood and just being a woman. I wish I had gotten the opportunity to know her as I am now--have our relationship fully transition from mother/child to mother/daughter. I wish my children could know, firsthand, where I come from. I wish someone woulda told me I'd spend nights crying unconsolably because of grief. I wish someone woulda told me I'd miss my mama so much it would physically hurt. I wish someone woulda told me how to help my brother become a man unafraid of the future AND his potential, tell him how he can actually be audacious enough to live the things he sees in his mind.
I wish someone woulda told me, when I turned 20, that I would come to know/trust love. That I would live for the smiles and laughter of my babies. That my heart would melt the first time I heard them cry. That I would forever be wrapped around their little fingers the first time that wrapped their little fists around my finger. I wish someone woulda told me that I would spend time in idle imagination wondering what life would be like had I chosen another path and that I would spend more time grateful that I didn't. I wish someone woulda told me, when I turned 22, that I would look into a man's soul thru his eyes and find it possible to believe that he loves me with every fiber of his being. I wish someone woulda told me that a man would cross an ocean and jump continents to find me and all my host of imperfections and say (straight-faced) that I am perfect for him. I wish someone woulda told me that I could lie in bed and dream aloud, that I could be with a man who is unafraid to say, "I need your help", that I could be with a man poetically spiritual enough to recognize that a phrase as wonderfully simplistic as, "will you take my hand" would speak volumes to me (even if no one else in the world gets it). I wish someone woulda told me that I could be satisfied--belly full, pants unbuttoned satisfied. I wish I woulda believed them had they painted the full brilliant picture in bold colors. My 20s (and my future) are all summarized by a portrait hanging in my livingroom of me, my husband and our children--my family!
So, in a way, I'm glad that I was unprepared; glad that no one drew a roadmap from here to there because there's no blueprint for this. No two individuals like Lawrence and I have come together as we have to create the family like ours so they couldn't really advise me on how to navigate it, at least not as detailed as I would have wanted it.
If someone woulda told me that I all I needed my mama for were roots and wings I'da probably cursed them. God is sovereign...now I know. I love you, Ma! I miss you...until 1,000 years is more like a day...
My 30th birthday is five months away and I am looking forward to becoming more of a WOman (remember that convo CJ?). What I know more now than when I was 20, with less cockiness and more calm confidence, is that "as I am" is good enough...I am, as I am, good enough...
*journal entry 6/10/07 1:35am
No comments:
Post a Comment