*singing*
I don't wanna be what you want me to be
I'm sorry it's my fault
It's over
I love John Legend. His lips, um, speak to me. I digress. I love his lyrics. Lately, I have been listening to "It's Over" from his latest album, "Evolver". I have been listening to this song, you guessed it, over and over and...yes, over. His lyrics tend to find their way into my heart of hearts. The part where the brutal truth resides. The part that stares back at me when I look deeply into my own brown eyes when I spend just a little more time in the mirror.
I have come to grips with the fact, less eloquently as he sang it, that some shit is just over. Furthermore, when it is just let that *ish* be what it is. Unfortunately, I am not of the generation of my grandparents. People my age don't just stay together just because. We are far more evolved and realize that even mating has a season (smh at my own sarcasm). The era of concessions and deference, I feel, is coming to a close. I have grown tired of not listening to my gut, ignoring instinct to "trust" my DH.
The older I get I am less prone to deal with selfish bullshit from a man. I think it started when I turned 30. I have always been into zodiac traits especially my own. I was reading the other day some familiar descriptions of how intense, mysterious, jealous, stubborn and blah, blah, blah I should be as a person born under this sign. Then, I skimmed a sentence or two that gave me pause. "Scorpio has to be in a power position. Some actually prefer to live on their own that way there is never any issue of who controls what at home, they like to be in control." HUH?! Seriously?! Control? Power? I sat for a moment staring at the computer screen as if the words would change. Like my focus would remove the implication that I was incapable of playing number 2. Then, that brutal truth chimed in and reminded me of words typed to my BFF not too long ago, "I think about living as a semi-recluse..." The root of that thought could very well be an inner desire to no longer be in a position of willful deference. For more than nine years I have coalesced for the greater benefit of my family. I have been more than malleable. I don't think I can bend much further. In fact, I am to the point of refusing to do so. I am the palm tree, designed to withstand hurricane force winds, YET even the strongest of trees break. BEFORE that point comes I have made some decisions...the short of it...I refuse to allow any person place or thing to break me.
I posted on Twitter little more than a month ago (ironically) that "sometimes you should just let it end, even when confronted with it before you wanted it. even if it scares u shitless. *singing* let it be*"
Then, sometimes the end isn't really the end. It is the overture...
(Kanye's verse)
We had some good times didn't we
I know I won't forget that
But we had some bad times and
That's time I wish I could get back
We coulda had it all
But I guess we'll never know
You been around me long enough
To know that now it's over
....fade me out...
