How do you know when something has surpassed it usefulness? When do you know when the alotted time has passed for a person, place or thing? Do you know intuitively? Through any of the "Clair-senses" (clairvoyance, claircognizance, clairsentience and clairaudience)? Milk sours, curdles and becomes rather rank. Even something as superfluous as cosmetics expire. Just as Fall cools into Winter, life's seasons change. As they should.
Sometimes I think we force the issue, insisting that things are still good. Is acknowledging an end admitting failure or some level of incompetence? I don't think so. Some people refuse to try fearing failure. Some try and try and try thinking acknowledgment of an end equals failure. It's like allowing "skinny" jeans to gather dust at the top of your closet. Or jamming oneself into said jeans one thigh at a time, bouncing up and down, lying on the bed, holding your breathe and sucking in you muffin damn near to the point of suffocation. For what? Is gaining a little weight failing? Are you a failure because you can't fit into the same jeans you wore when you were a college Freshman? Hardly. You've just outgrown them.
I would like to think that my existence is one of constant evolution. I am not who I was yesterday, last week or several years ago. Who I am becoming and even who I will be is a little daunting; it is equally exciting. I welcome change. My only apprehension is in the reluctance of certain people to steadfastly be supportive of said evolution. It's a little unsettling to think of relishing in the beauty to come without the person with whom I share life's blessings with.
Even good things become useless and expire. If there is any failure I am disquieted by it is not becoming who I was purposed to be. So when the season changes it will not be met with resistance. I refuse.
Rev Run's Words of Wisdom (twitter post 4/21/09): "Restlessness and discontent are the first necessities needed for progress!"
Later!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Passionate Nights
So, last night I was in Tulsa at the invitation of a friend. I made the hour drive to attend and "perform" at an event she'd help organize. The same nerves I got reading the invite she sent to my inbox stirred in my belly last night before the MC said my name (incorrectly). I took the stage with my notebook in my hands. I took a less spiritual approach in the words I chose to share with the audience. I chose to share a piece I've titled "My First Lady is Black" (I may post it at a later date). The audience seemed to enjoy it. Their compliments fed my ego and allayed some on my nerves *smirk*
I am diggin' who I am becoming...right before my own eyes! The more I do these types of events the more I feel Kanye and understand the meaning of G.O.O.D. music (whatever mode expression). It is so fulfilling to Get Out (Y)our Dreams! Looking forward to what is ahead!
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.---Henry David Thoreau
Monday, April 13, 2009
Seeing is believing
So I'm sitting in church for the first time in months yesterday (I have my reasons, don't judge me...j/k). I had to do some self-talk, convince myself that I could be less critical than the last time I was in this place of worship.
Several verses from the 24th chapter of Luke was the inspiration for the message of the day titled "Can You See Him?" The focus of the message was Jesus' appearance to Cleopas and an unnamed companion. He (Jesus) came along, walked with them and talked with them. He asked what they had been talking about. All this while "their eyes were held from recognizing him" (verse 15 Amplified version...my preference since I was a kid)...NIV (the ministers preference) reads "they were kept from recognizing him".
I have a thing for words. I don't believe that words are arbitrarily placed lacking significance. So in my notes I circled kept and recognizing. I am not a theologian and am far from an etymologist. However, I know a little bit about a lot of things. Namely, words ;)
I focused on kept/held because it implies that it was intentional. Let me back up, re-cognition. Why break up the word? Because "re-" means "again" and "cognition" has to do with perception, knowing...even thinking. These men, for whatever reason, where held/kept from re-cognizing someone they knew before. I'm curious. I want to know why.
The men went on the describe Jesus (to Jesus) and all that they had hoped he would be. Dejection is inferred in their conversation. They had hoped he was the ONE. Verses later Jesus goes along with the men to their house and basically reenacts the Last Supper and it is then that their eyes were allowed (opened) to recoginize (remember) him. Then, their minds were [thoroughly] opened to understand the scriptures. Hmmm...I have more written about this but I am not a preacher...so I will not share all my thoughts to keep me from feeling like I am delivering a sermon.
I have become increasingly cynical when it comes to traditional Christian dogma...perhaps cynical is strong verbiage, but I don't shy away from it. It wasn't until I came to work today and a friend shared with me the story of her great-grandfather's life. He was 106 years old when he closed his eyes and went to sleep. See, he had been a pastor for basically all his life. She read an excerpt from an article written about him celebrating his 100th year (I think). Where he expressed an absolute joyful anticipation for the day he would finally rest...when god was done with him. Through her teary eyes I could see his joy. For a moment my cycnism dissipated. Perhaps the blessing in her loss is that I finally recognize the joyful occasion it truly is for a child of god to find rest in him.
I have written so many scripture-ladden, empty words that were intended to make me less embittered about the fact that my mother is gone. I am 6 days from the 9th anniversary of my mother's death. Ironically, she passed away on Easter (have you ever defined this word?) Sunday. Honestly, I have resented that day. So much that I refuse to call it Easter, choosing, instead, to say Resurrection Day. It's more defining, to me, for what is supposed to be commemorated. I digress. I was moved, today, by my friends recollection of her great-grandfather's life and passing early this morning.
I posted a status on my Facebook page yesterday. "Happy Resurrection Day all...what would you like to see rise again from decay and disuse in your life...revive!" For me it would be the obvious (to those that familiar with me, anyway). As I went thru the "talk notes" of the pastor's video recorded message I was struck by the question posed by the "messenger" in verse 5..."why do you look for the living among the dead?" For years I have counted my mama among the dead, refusing to recognize the joy in her passing. She is at rest. Maybe, just maybe, I am closer to letting her do so in peace.
Until a 1,000 years is as a day...
Several verses from the 24th chapter of Luke was the inspiration for the message of the day titled "Can You See Him?" The focus of the message was Jesus' appearance to Cleopas and an unnamed companion. He (Jesus) came along, walked with them and talked with them. He asked what they had been talking about. All this while "their eyes were held from recognizing him" (verse 15 Amplified version...my preference since I was a kid)...NIV (the ministers preference) reads "they were kept from recognizing him".
I have a thing for words. I don't believe that words are arbitrarily placed lacking significance. So in my notes I circled kept and recognizing. I am not a theologian and am far from an etymologist. However, I know a little bit about a lot of things. Namely, words ;)
I focused on kept/held because it implies that it was intentional. Let me back up, re-cognition. Why break up the word? Because "re-" means "again" and "cognition" has to do with perception, knowing...even thinking. These men, for whatever reason, where held/kept from re-cognizing someone they knew before. I'm curious. I want to know why.
The men went on the describe Jesus (to Jesus) and all that they had hoped he would be. Dejection is inferred in their conversation. They had hoped he was the ONE. Verses later Jesus goes along with the men to their house and basically reenacts the Last Supper and it is then that their eyes were allowed (opened) to recoginize (remember) him. Then, their minds were [thoroughly] opened to understand the scriptures. Hmmm...I have more written about this but I am not a preacher...so I will not share all my thoughts to keep me from feeling like I am delivering a sermon.
I have become increasingly cynical when it comes to traditional Christian dogma...perhaps cynical is strong verbiage, but I don't shy away from it. It wasn't until I came to work today and a friend shared with me the story of her great-grandfather's life. He was 106 years old when he closed his eyes and went to sleep. See, he had been a pastor for basically all his life. She read an excerpt from an article written about him celebrating his 100th year (I think). Where he expressed an absolute joyful anticipation for the day he would finally rest...when god was done with him. Through her teary eyes I could see his joy. For a moment my cycnism dissipated. Perhaps the blessing in her loss is that I finally recognize the joyful occasion it truly is for a child of god to find rest in him.
I have written so many scripture-ladden, empty words that were intended to make me less embittered about the fact that my mother is gone. I am 6 days from the 9th anniversary of my mother's death. Ironically, she passed away on Easter (have you ever defined this word?) Sunday. Honestly, I have resented that day. So much that I refuse to call it Easter, choosing, instead, to say Resurrection Day. It's more defining, to me, for what is supposed to be commemorated. I digress. I was moved, today, by my friends recollection of her great-grandfather's life and passing early this morning.
I posted a status on my Facebook page yesterday. "Happy Resurrection Day all...what would you like to see rise again from decay and disuse in your life...revive!" For me it would be the obvious (to those that familiar with me, anyway). As I went thru the "talk notes" of the pastor's video recorded message I was struck by the question posed by the "messenger" in verse 5..."why do you look for the living among the dead?" For years I have counted my mama among the dead, refusing to recognize the joy in her passing. She is at rest. Maybe, just maybe, I am closer to letting her do so in peace.
Until a 1,000 years is as a day...
You do the math
I have listened to the Jamie Foxx, Ne-Yo and Fabolous remix of "She Got Her Own" plenty of times. Everytime I only half listen to it, wait for the chorus like most (female) people. Until... I heard Fab's words (freshly)
...When I do that math boo...You always try to add to...
I think I had new ears because I had just watched Nights in Rodanthe with Diane Lane and Richard Gere. Diane's character is a woman on the verge of divorce post her spouse's straying. Just before she leaves to fulfill a promise to look after the inn of a long time friend that is out on a Carolina coastal beach her estranged husband announces that he wants to "come back home" when he picks up their kids for a trip to some place kid friendly. The plot moves forward, Gere's character has his own issues and they, predictably, help each other thru said issues. The point...some words that stood out to me to the point where it is now the signature to my outgoing emails.
"It's just something we do. Grow up, marry the person we fall in love with and give up some things. Then, you look at what's left and realize it isn't enough."
SMH...truer words haven't resonated with me in quite some time. It is easy to assume that I will blubber on about the discontent and regretful state of my relationship. Not so. This moment of clarity has less to do with how happy I am. It has more to do with the fact that I have incresingly less room for detractors. Furthemore, I am less inclined to acquiesce to the requisite subtraction from onesself when they decide to marry and have babies and matriculate things. Thirty is getting smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror. *singing* I am changing...channeling J. Hud in Dreamgirls. Truth is I am happy to do so. Evolve. *more singing* Ain't no feeling like being free. The freedom I hunger for is not necessary one that will alleviate me of the presence of my significant other as much as it is the will of self. A measure of liberty that requires selfish fulfillment of passion and dreams and even whims. Affords me a pass to not only be hungry but to also be satified.
A friend of mine shared with me some words her mother told her about marriage. "Men marry women expecting them not to change, but they do. Women marry men expecting them to change, but they never do."
(self) Love
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Burberry Touch
perfect for the morning after
musk
sweeter
lingers
forces you to recall and relive the moments
from the night before
lover is long gone
memory and scent
make me feel him
touches and kisses
scented recollection
sweeter
the morning after
musk
sweeter
lingers
forces you to recall and relive the moments
from the night before
lover is long gone
memory and scent
make me feel him
touches and kisses
scented recollection
sweeter
the morning after
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