Solitude

When I noticed this star over the weekend I felt like it understood me.  As if it, too, needed a moment separate from every thing else around it.  Seclusion is the key to my sanity and ability to function.  Dramatic. For sure but no less true.  Deep in Scorpio season the need intensifies.  I used to think it selfish to remove myself from those that enjoy my company.  I've grown up since then.  They'll just have to understand and be patient.  Solace and solitude were my gifts to myself for my birthday this year.  I'm grateful that I was able to do so.

Centered.

Miss Independent

I was just thinking I need to lean on me a little more.

Sounds Like...

So much memory tied to sights and sounds and scents and sensations. The associations made since childhood mimick Pavlovian experimentation.

Totally innoucuous but has become the soundtrack of suspicion and distrust. The way a cell phones plants against a desk. *plugs in headphones* I jack up the volume as loud as it'll go attempting to drown out my reveries. I should not care who was on the receiving end of SEND.

I am a Scorpio so I'm prone to suspicion. You're exempt until you're not. So it goes.

I see it. I believe it. Sometimes.

So many times I have been shown and told there is no room for me but insist that my apparently square peg can most certainly fit into this round hole.

Angry with myself for insisting. I'd love to proudly say it is my way to be persistent. I am but that's not what this is. Pathetic. Is what it is. The thought of it sickens my own belly.

I have basically begged and pleaded for one fucking person to want me. Match my level of desire. Balance my intensity with equity. I have a firm grasp on the definition of "eventually". Even subtext is clear. Never is what was meant. I can take that.

Foolishly hopeful. Tears welling in my eyes as I vent tell me I am not done. Yet.
Feel like I should dust off my Scorpio Manual and brush up on the part that tells me when and where be less all-or-nothing 'cause this shit is for the birds.

For all my wanting and professing. All my sincerity. My fantasies are merely wishes. Only wishes.

Fin.